Our Loss and Our Gain

Many of you know that our family has been undergoing a long and exhausting fight for our daughter. She was taken from us in the summer of 2018 and we have spent month after month fighting for and crying out for justice and restoration. After nearly 2 years, on March 5th, we were sadly informed via email by US Dept of State for International Child Abductions that we have irreversibly lost that fight.

As I look back over everything that has happened with this, one thing I see over and over has been personalized lies that were woven into every hopeful appeal and let-down. Whether through spoken interactions or those silent nights of sobbing, the lies of the enemy seemed to have crept in and made themselves at home:

“Look how incapable you are of protecting your children”
“You don’t deserve to be parents”
“God won’t stand up and fight for you”
“You don’t even have a right to cry about this.”
“How stupid are you for believing you could win this?”
“Prepare for heartache to be your new normal.”

To be even more honest, it’s often been hard to sort these out from truth. Lies have a way of tearing you down until you are too blind to see the truth they were trying to block out. And even with the deepest of convictions, the darkest of circumstances seem to make you question why you even wanted to fight in the first place.

But if I’ve learned one thing in my pursuit of Jesus, it’s that you won’t find yourself repeatedly fighting the enemy unless the threat of your victory him is too big. So looking at our track record, apparently God is up to something really good. And really big.

To be honest, we don’t understand why this has all happened this way. We aren’t God and we might never fully understand, which sucks. But it’s not information or wishful thinking that have been holding us together; it’s the hard habit that gets forged of clinging white-knuckle to who God has proved himself to be, while asking Him to directly address the seemingly-hypocritical character areas of His that have surfaced, and then waiting to either see/hear an answer or be given the strength to trust that one will eventually come.

And in one particular way, God has clearly shown up and began addressing those doubts. Not with explanations of why, but through a rather surprising discovery. Through it, He has been and is confronting each of those pointed lies about who we are:

“I ask you to protect your children through standing and fighting for your children in prayer. That’s what you do.”
“I long for parents to pursue me. That’s you.”
“I fight for my children and set them up for great things. That’s you.”
“I long for my people to cry out in the face of injustice and fight for my truth in the dark places, letting their hearts hurt for the things that hurt my heart. That’s you.”
“I long for my people to walk by faith and believe that I AM. That’s you.”
“My children were made to know overly-obvious joy that only comes from a connection with me. That’s you.”

“What kind of “discovery”?” you ask?

During the exact week we learned that we had lost our daughter, we made the discovery that we are currently expecting another Alcantara child, due in early November.

No, this wasn’t part of our plan, but crazily enough it’s an answer to so many other prayers prayed. It doesn’t bring our daughter back to us or even replace her, but it does remind us that God is good, that He sees us, and can hold our aching hearts as we parent. And it’s incredible reminder that God takes ashes and gives us beautiful things in their place.

Thank you to those who both mourn and celebrate with us in this season. ❤️

Truly Protecting Intimacy

**Exposure level: 8.5**

You’re doing so much in my heart with this relationship, God.

I feel like You’re making me softer and more considerate. You’re shifting things in me and helping me and causing me to see things like You do. I realized as Mr. Caruso and I worked through more boundary thing yesterday that I have grown and I am not the same, and that I am actually capable of being in a romantic relationship and working things through and doing things according to Your principles.

Last night, as I was falling asleep, I feel like You revealed something to me: That one of the things that was problematic in how we were talking to each other two nights ago was that I was leaving him unprotected.

“Unprotected”?

I would have never considered that to be an issue….but I think it’s true. Intimacy requires and even goes hand in hand with protection. Not just in sex, but in friendships and in conversations and even in ministry. There is a protection in intimacy—a care for the other person, to be their covering in the moments of rawness and vulnerability and exposure. From the beginning to the end of the intimate moment, there is an intentional protection offered, which just facilitates a type of spiritual intimacy all the way through. The spiritual intimacy facilitates the awareness and need for the physical protection when physical and emotional intimacy is happening….hmmmm.

So when there is flirting or playing around with limitations or ideas…there is no protection…It’s like starting things up without having a condom, except emotionally. You are starting something you can’t or never intended to finish. You are provoking or mentioning something deep and intimate, but without any intent of following through, so the protection isn’t there. You don’t start discussing things with any real intent to protect, nor are you equipped to continue protecting or finish protecting in the moment because “technically, it was never intended to be a moment”. The whole situation is based around self, seeking to be provoking (not necessarily take responsibility for what’s being provoked) or to be intriguing (not necessarily inviting). It’s like ding dong-ditch—initiating without sticking around to cultivate the intimacy that comes after.

I don’t want to live like this, Abba. I can’t live like this.

With Mr. Caruso and I, it isn’t that we don’t want to stick around. It’s that we can’t. We are not married and have pretty clear lines of what is appropriate physically, and we’re working on emotionally. We want to be able to cultivate an emotional intimacy now, of getting close and building trust and truly knowing the other person. But I think there is so much more protection required than we can comprehend. And what happened the other night was void of that protection. I wasn’t making comments because I wanted to protect him. I wanted to get closer. And his comments were the same. The closeness was the goal, but we were ignorant of the need to protect each other in the process.

We shouldn’t have been talking about those things or in those ways—side comments about how nice it will be to next to each other in bed one day or about kissing for hours. Perhaps to others, they’re just trivial subjects. “Pure”, even. But, God, Your issue wasn’t necessarily the topic. It’s that we weren’t actually caring about each other. It wasn’t demonstrating real love. If we were, it probably would have curbed our words and the conversation could have been a chance to protect each other. Protecting each other: protecting each other from what we can’t have just yet, protecting ourselves from temptation, protecting each other from the enemy. More than that–it would have cultivated that intimacy that we have been aiming for.

Wow….

I just realized…that when you dance, and when you have sex, you are face to face with the other person. You can look into their eyes, you can’t miss anything about them….but you also have their back. You can see over their shoulder. You are able to see what is going on behind them. You are able to enjoy them and be satisfied with them, but you are also able to be their protection in that. They can give without being on defense. They are giving and receiving while being looked out for in the process…

WOW. God, you….wow…….thank you. Thank you for that parallel. Thank you for your wisdom.

A not-married girl, who has never been with a man…and you’re teaching me about sex….smh. God? I like you. Lol. A lot. Thank you for speaking to my heart. Thank you for opening up my eyes.

Thinking about the recent teaching…I want to really see a change in this in my life….

Revelation— (*sigh*) Yes. You’ve showed me that I wasn’t protecting him.

Repentance—Shoot. Abba, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for doing things my way and for not recognizing his need to be protected by me, even in the midst of his desire for me.

Reconciliation—I’ll write to him in a second to apologize and explain and see if he has time for me to share about all of this madness.

Recognizing— Satan wants him and I to focus on our own needs and wants without realizing that love is selfless. He wants to make us feel guilty in wanting, but also to selfishly chase after, as well as make You look bad for laying down boundaries. He wants to vilify Your ways as the enemy to our desires, when it’s You who is paving the way to have our desires met in the greatest, most deep, and most satisfying way possible, all while bringing You the credit and recognition that You deserve.

Renouncing—Abba, what do I need to renounce? How can I position myself for more of your truth and for more of your revelation by letting go of what the enemy has been using against me? My emotions? My sexual desires? My control? Control….Abba, I release control over having my own needs met using what I can.

Renewing—I want to see you as the provider of my needs, and stop thinking that You are ignorant or powerless when it comes to my needs and desires. Renew my mind to see You as the main source for my needs being met. You see my needs, and it truly is You who is paving the way to have my desires met in the greatest, most deep, and most satisfying way possible, all while bringing You the credit and recognition that you deserve. (*sigh*) Make me new in this area, God. Change how I think and act and respond so that I can truly protect Mr. Caruso in situations like that.

Reconstructing—Doing this thing differently. Help me respond by actually loving him, not being selfish. Help me to seek Your peace in our interaction, and stray from anything that would rob me of that constant calm in my spirit. Let me be faithful and loyal to Your inclinations and standards. And self-control….wow. Yes. Help me to passionately hold back so that in Your timing and in Your grace, I can walk in the fullness of Your provision.

“Won’t You make me new, won’t You make me true. Jesus, won’t you make me like you?”

Sinking In

While talking to Mr. Caruso last night, I brought up the idea of me being back in the States for a bit. It makes my stomach lurch to think about being back there. When Edia prayed for me on Sunday, she prayed that You would eradicate all I the pain that was caused there so that I could obey You regardless…. and I felt like doubling over with pain. With all of this mess with my parents, with my sisters, with my now-non-friendship….there is such an awkwardness that still ligers. Things I don’t want to remember. Things I still don’t feel qualified or prepared to deal with. Praying and fasting? Yeah, I think I can do that. But holding onto hope while there? Staying mentored? Keeping my eyes fixed on You? I know I’m biased, but to me it feels like walking into a giant trap. I feel like it’s a beckon to fall all over again. A chance to feel incapable and powerless and angry and frustrated all over again…

Speak to me Abba. I need to vent and be unburdened, but I also need Your truth stirring in my heart all day long, one I can’t teach myself. I need to meditate and mull over and over on what You’ve said, not necessarily on my own thoughts. 

Teach me about this “sinking into You” thing that you mentioned. 

Sink–the dictionary says that it means….

• Go down below the surface of something
• Go to the bottom of the sea
• Disappear and not be seen or heard from again 
• Cause to fail
• Descend or drop gently
• Gradually penetrate the surface
• Lapse or fall into a particular state or condition
• Insert into something 

Wow. I’m pretty positive that this is worth living out….

God, teach me to go below the surface of my situations, to see beyond what I see. I need to go deeper into You, to look past what I perceive. Help me to fall deeply into You so I can actually BE Anchored. I don’t want to be that vessel with a hope that doesn’t hold onto you because an anchor can’t serve its purpose when its weighed. Honestly, I feel damaged and collided with…a little more broken than I’d like to be, needing repairing and restoring. 

But I want to disappear into your arms, to never have the same “me” to be heard or seen again. I want to be lost in the midst of you. I want to leave behind the fear and anxiety and drama and anger and rage so I can let you heal me and so I can be more like YOU. 

“Cause to fail”–God, cause my plans and my walls of self-protection to fail. I want to have no other hope but You. Help me to step down and drop gently into You and into this process. Help me to not resist or resent Your embrace, or even push You away. Help me to gradually press into You, to go beyond even what I’ve known. I want to gradually slip into and fall into a state of surrender. I want to rest in a state of letting go so that You can actually be Lord; to release and allow, to stop with this white-knuckle grip on what makes me *feel* safe so I can actually just let You be what holds me. I want to be placed in You. It may sound a little too intimate–so be it. I want to be put deliberately into You, to allow a level of closeness with You that I never have allowed before. I want the barriers between You and I gone. 

With ‘sinking into you’, I get this picture of me being near Your chest like a father, Your arms ready to embrace me like a little girl, with my feet are off the ground…but my arms are tightly at my side, and I’m bracing myself, barely breathing, and rigid as a board–so full of fear and mistrust of You, of this process, and of anything different than what I’ve known. But You will never be one to pry my hands from my sides or bend me or force me to hug you and be held close to Your chest. You’ve invited me to simply sink into You. 

Abba, help me to deal with all of this. Teach me to trust You and let go and embrace You and stop resisting. 

You are my hope. Anchor me today.  

In The Midst

Hey Abba……

Wow. What a roller coaster. I don’t even think I’ve written any of this down, but I haven’t exactly had “ganas” to, either. 

I feel like I’ve been clouded and shrouded from head to toe with this entire system of self-pity that draws me over and over to bring things back to me instead of you. Consumed with my own love deficit and rejection and completely blinded to your love and plans for my life. It broke for a bit yesterday, and it was so incredibly wonderful!! As the night carried on, it went right back to being a suffocating darkness. And, I was ridiculously exhausted from the drive. 

We arrived to the Argentinian border around 1am and it took about an hour to process all of us. We drove for a bit longer, and I didn’t really sleep. More like a weary stupor of tossing and turning. Then, when we arrived, they let us lay down on cots for a couple hours to rest. I think I slept for about an hour. Then breakfast (2 pieces of hard bread and tea/coffee, it wasn’t until later that I’d found the butter and sugar.)

I felt like I just wanted to pace and pout. So frustrated with the disorganization, feeling no grace at all to handle the changes and wondering over and over if you really wanted me here at all. I felt like I was in NIKO all over again, but out of carelessness and not intentional growth opportunities. The conference is all camping in tents. Lots of bugs and cold and hot and no room. They wanted us to share a mattress, so I’m ok with the ground. And then they asked for volunteers for lunch to peel potatoes, which turned into helping prepare and serve lunch for all 700 of us, and 6 more hours of work than I anticipated. I felt so exhausted the whole time. And there wasn’t anyone else except Carla (the Brazilian wife) and I that stuck around. When lunch finished, the tent was going up, but I was sweltering. No napping there. I finally showered and then waited around for dinner. Got I see David Kody and Noemi and Eloise Hephsiba, who is so so precious. 🙂 

Then the actual night event didn’t start until 9, and I wandered around friendless for a couple of hours without any idea of what to do and when things did start, they didn’t end at 11:30. I couldn’t keep my eyes open, and honestly didn’t care. 

Lots of opportunities for self-pity to thrive, really. 

Between David Kody and the event, the most wonderful conversation happened. 

Scarlett and Sarah, the volunteers from Georgia via Colombia, started by asking me about Spanish, and it just became an anointed conversation. I felt you sharing through me and encouraging them in their understanding and adventure. And when I began boldly saying that what’s happening to me is an attack to put me through everything possible so later I can help people who are going through everything possible. But in the process, I have to fight to not get get taken out or lose sight of what You’re doing. 

At the end, they thanked me, but were saying that I was made for this, that living water flows from my life, that there is so much people get from just being around me as I love you. 

It was seriously like the clouds had lifted when we talked. 

Not when they spoke. But when *I* chose to speak truth. When I wasn’t afraid to call self-pity what it was, and point my finger at the “why” or the root. 

(*Sigh*) 

I want to see this break in my life. I want to not only renounce my “self protection” of using self pity and the foothold it’s had in my life, but also to deal with the rejection and not forgiving of myself that had caused it. That might be a groupo grey session all on its own. :-T

Thank you for this morning, though. Thank you for helping me process. 

(My throat is hurting now, Abba. Please keep me healthy and protected…)

Tug-O-War

My ability to hear you clearly is directly proportional to how much of a priority I made of you and our relationship today. 

Note to self: if you put Jesus on the back burner today, do NOT make any decisions or believe the majority of conclusions you come to; your filter is too clogged to process things properly. 

Jesus? You were definitely not my prioritizing. When I work up, I was more concerned about getting my oils and sleeping than I was about being with you. And talking to Caruso. He was probably my real priority today. 

Talking to my Mentor, she made two very good points. First, that I have to be intentional about my counseling time. I need to bring up things I wanna address. Which should especially include my issues with coda. Touché. Secondly, that I am not getting healing or being fixed or having heart surgery or getting a brain transplant for the sake of others (even though that sounds great in a newsletter). I’m doing it so I can lie you most, and that nothing in my life would get in the way of me loving you. (*Sigh*) That needs to be my truth, Abba. 

She asked about Caruso, and I almost bit my tongue when I talked about my request to speed things up. She had been the one that suggested that I finish my Bible Study before getting into a relationship, which would mean June. I noticed my fear of being outted in something that I had already agreed to do differently, as well as my tendency to word things differently in order to not look stupid or even feel stupid. 

Doubts were back in my heart tonight about Caruso. My sister was asking questions about it, and I remembered all of the ugly things about a possible relationship with him. Possible sources of pain and distress. Ugh. Again, I have no filter or protection of you today, so please help me see this through you eyes. 

He and I talked this AM about YWAM and his desire to see families stop falling apart. That blew my mind. I could see those working together! Wow. Weird. My dream of him last night was that we were part of a team that was helping restore a house where a murder had taken place. He thinks it has to do with building strong relationships like I’d told him about (sticks in a tent, framing for a house….) while I was thinking about he and I building a home together after something tragic had happened.

Jesus? You are my truth. You are my fixed reality. 

It’s you my heart is aching for for real, though. Thank you for being my life source. Thank you for being my source of love. Please set up Tuesday exactly how you see fit. I trust you, Abba. I trust your guiding and leading. 

Thank you, also, for providing enough money for my ticket. =-) You are so good to me!! 

Only $3,000 more! Thank you in advance, Abba! 

When To Let Go of A Promise

Maybe it was all of the sermons yesterday, having talk of sex roll through my mind. Or maybe the enemy was mad about what I leaned. Or perhaps my flesh is retaliating because of the situation with London. But dreams like that? Really?

I don’t remember all the details, but Caruso was the focus. I was kind of at the base, and he was wanting to get back with me. I think he stole a few kisses, but I feel like there was such a strong pull to go back with him. And I was skirting around. And he was a lot more persuasive. And it was like a game. 

God, that isn’t what I want. That isn’t what you have for me. Thank you for your truth. 

Abba? I don’t feel like I can claim anything about a future family. A couple of people have mentioned that I’ll probably get married, but I don’t feel like I’ve heard it from you. To me, all I have are a few high hopes from well-meaning people. Nothing solid or worthy of casting out any second-guesses. But I’d rather not dream in that way if you’d really like for me to be single. I think I’d be okay being single if you just confirmed it either way. I was okay–excited even–when we had talked about being single. But like the finance piece of my life, so many people seem horrified or threatened by the fact that I don’t or wouldn’t live like everyone else. 

Marriage sounds great. I’ll be honest. But even more honest is saying that just because it’s something that appeals to me doesn’t mean it’s for me. And my heart? I don’t know if it can take another letdown. It feels like it has been tossed by the wind, here and there and up and down and side to side. Ugh. Let’s just put it somewhere predictable. Like in the “probably not” category. 

Really, Cass?

I think so. My heart aches at the thought of the process. Of holding out in an uncertain or unpromising certain situation that I previously held to, only to see the inevitable happen.

I don’t want to be let down again. You never said that I could…

I didn’t?

Well no. Well, you said to trust. You said not to settle. I remember considering Caruso and feeling you wince, as if you were saying that I should wait and see what you’re up to. But to me, that is no promise at all. That could mean a million things. 

Could mean….yeah, I’m not gonna go there. But what I do know is that the safest thing for me is to bank on being single. 

Yeah? Are you sure about that? What did we talk about the other day? About stepping out on a limb? About trying to establish your own security, even mentally?

Oh yeah. Well…(*sigh*). I just…I feel overwhelmed thinking about this. I feel like it’s my 5-year-old little girl heart that still dreams that is arguing with my 28-year-old mature self that just wants to give up. I can still be loving and effective while single, right? I don’t have to have sex to know intimacy, right? 

“I don’t have to run the risk of You letting me down in regards to my incredibly deep longing for an indescribable story…” Would you rather say that? Go ahead. Cause that’s what’s really going on.

Abba, it doesn’t make sense logically. Why, statistically, would I bank on something that isn’t promising? Or only sometimes promising? It seems unwise. Or foolish. Or just plain stupid. And I don’t want to be stupid. 

…but you did tell me to step out. Like Moses and the Red Sea. You said to stretch the rod out over the water, and then to step in it. THEN the water would part. Not a second before. 

Who am I?…God why would you set up something that seems so great only to have it slip through….Maybe I should throw London out the widow, but not the idea of marrying a kind of London? Maybe? Cause you say to not get my heart set on people or places, anyway. But things? Can I…this is where I shut off and decide to be single for the rest of my life as a means of protecting my own heart. I start to honestly protect me from You letting me down. (*Sigh*) This for sure isn’t what you want for me. You aren’t okay with me banking on anything when it serves as my security and self-protection. Especially when my motive is I protect myself from YOU. 

Abba? Please help me change. Please help me to see where fear is masquerading as wisdom and where I’m missing the door to an adventure of growth and increased trust. I don’t want to stay playing it safe for the rest of my life. 

Reading through Ps. 139, I got to the part about hiding, and I felt like you were saying that I can hide my desires and my longings beneath wordy wisdom. I can pretend they aren’t there. But you still see it. You still see through it just like I wasn’t hiding it as all. You created the blueprints of my heart, and you know every good hiding place. The crevices are just like living rooms to you–the hidden things are like the most seen and viewed. You know me all too well. 

Thank you for knowing me so well. Give me grace to trust you in all of your knowing. 

Don’t Fear The Process

UGH. This is exhausting.

I just want to think about you right now. Not this whole crazy idea of marriage or possibilities or struggles or lies or trickery. My heart feels so unstable already. Part of me says not ready for real life still.

…kinda like when you stopped using crutches, right? Your muscles had already been trained to lean into something else, and you felt like you couldn’t stand? Cass, you can stand. You have it in you. It’s just going to take time before you’re ready to handle a lot again. You aren’t there yet. You don’t have the strength, the stamina, the development, or the healing necessary for prolonged periods of any of this. One day. And one day you’ll be incredible at helping others, helping them know their limits, helping them grow, and helping them help themselves.

Don’t take your eyes off this process. It will be so easy to, but you have to remember the risk you run when you stop caring about where you’re at. You run the risk of going backwards, of needing healing all over again because your process went uncared for. This season will mean a lot of “boundary finding”–a lot of testing and evaluating and honesty and humility and seeing limitations….don’t be afraid to fully live in this season. But you can’t live stretched out. Live right where you are, pushing as few boundaries as possible, becoming strong in what you do know. You’ll find your limitations soon enough.

Don’t resent this season. Don’t resent your limitations. Trust the limitations I see in you. Trust that I’m protecting you from what you don’t need.

You don’t need to be distracted. You don’t need extra things bringing in division. You need to keep your eyes fixed on me. You need your heart invested in me, focusing on what I’m doing, focused on my heart, consumed with my immediate plans for you.

I am what your heart is aching for, Cass. I am exactly that which will satisfy your thirst. Those pangs you few are withdrawals of me. Please don’t think finding attention in a secret friendship slash budding romance will quiet that cry in your heart. It will feel like it for a minute, like an ibuprofen for a headache. But once your substitute runs out, the hurt returns.

I know you’re so used to using these kinds of meds for your heart–defaulting to what makes sense to you when things get hard–but I’m telling you: you weren’t created to be on supplements. You were made to be satisfied completely and consistently.
Let me continue to show you what that look like. Remove anything and everything that will block your view of my heart for you. Don’t hesitate to put something down if it means a chance I chase after me.

In wanting me, you will find your desire for any of these men (and the attention they give you) begin to dwindle. You’ll see it for what it is: a cheap substitute for my plentitude.

You are what I’m after. I have incredible things in store for you. Don’t get desperate while waiting for my promises.

Eyes Off The Prize

It happens every time.

Anytime I find myself approaching a major decision, a key season, a powerful principle lesson, they come. Usually two or three, each ignorant of the other.

It used to catch me off guard–to pull my attention away so subtly yet deliberately, completely distracting me to the point where I’d almost forget I was in the middle of something important.

Men.

I didn’t notice it until a few years ago, but now that I have plenty of experience with this rather predictable predicament, it seems to happen like clockwork:

The stage is always set, usually a month or so before a major event of growth or change in my life. I am living life, minding my own business and pursuing Jesus and focusing on my upcoming task. Then, from stage left (aka “left field”), a guy appears. Perhaps he was always there and his attention to me is just now increasing or sometimes he will come out of nowhere. Each new time one enters, he looks different than the last, but there is always a common factor: he starts to get closer because he wants more of me. He wants more of my attention, more of my time, and often more of my heart than he had. He begins with an innocent conversation, and then slowly makes an attempt to wrap me around his finger. Hours, days, weeks go by, and I realize that I’ve forgotten my lines. Or I remembered, but he’s now in the way. He wasn’t part of this act, anyway–what was he doing there? I had things to accomplish…but now that he’d come, would he really need to step off stage? Yes. A resounding yes.

In the very beginning, it was a guy friend of mine that loved to be around me. Then it was a guy that loved to me around me and cared about my growth. The next time it was a guy that loved to be around me, cared about my growth, and loved Jesus. Then it was a guy that loved to be around me, cared about my growth, loved Jesus, and loved to make me laugh. After him came a guy that loved to be around me, cared about my growth, loved Jesus, and loved to make me laugh, that was ridiculously attractive. Then came one that loved to be around me, cared about my growth, loved Jesus, and loved to make me laugh, that was ridiculously attractive AND whose name started with “J” (because I’d always jokingly said I ought to marry a guy whose name started with “J”). Crazy, right?! But it didn’t stop there–the characteristics increased in the next ones to follow: men who were all that AND had a perfect build, or that seemed to be incredibly responsible and mature and loved kids and even ones that do the same job that I do and have similar passions.

I’m telling you: they’ve come. And they still come. Never one at a time, either.

In these seasons some would say to me: He’s come! Your ideal man has finally come! Look at how he looks at you–don’t pass this up!

But while one or all may be wonderful, they always seem to come with two extra characteristics. Every. Single. Time.

First, they are always everything I’ve wanted EXCEPT one area. Like a Happy Meal with half of the fries missing. Secondly, they are only there as long as the decision is. Once I make the choice, or grab hold of the lesson, these men are nowhere to be seen. They lose their “por fiebre” interest or find someone else, each with seemingly punctual timing.

Interesting, right?

So now, after so many of these “almosts”, I remind myself that the warning signs come before a steep slope. When you stop paying attention to the road ahead of you on a winding mountain slope, even when you’ve been warned, you’re more than likely going to fall off the side of the mountain. And believe me–I’ve crawled up many a slippery mountainside trying to retrace my steps and get back onto the solid ground where I’m supposed to be.

And really–this whole thing would be pretty hilarious if it wasn’t something the enemy still uses against me.

This month, for example, I began praying about where to put down roots for the next few years. Praying for a place to have healthy friendships, healthy community, a place to continue to grow and heal in, and also a place to launch from as I work throughout the Caribbean.

This season’s stars and cameos: A really quite attractive friend from years ago started talking to me again, asking people about me and catching my eye at church events.
Two day before my birthday came one that could speak so clearly to my heart and nearly swept me off my feet. But I knew he was an “almost”–he didn’t love Jesus and his non-married wife of 8 years just left him the same week.
A week later, an incredible guy comes and stays at the base with his sister, and my friends seem to be playing matchmaker when they think I’m not listening.
My friend who lives next door seems to want someone to talk to each afternoon and started FB messaging nice compliments and asking how I’m doing.
And, my mom’s friend is insisting that I need to give her son a chance, regardless that he’s married with a kid and he stands next to her, not disagreeing with her suggestions.

To me, these are all warning signs. Red flags of caution that the enemy sees need to put in distractions for this upcoming decision and season of growth. Apparently the things I’m about to gain are going to be incredible–worthy of the fight being put up for them.

I know that once the decision gets made, many (if not all) will slowly fade away. If for some reason they don’t, and this war zone drags out a bit longer, I know I can probably anticipate an even greater increase than I’ve already experienced.

Don’t get me wrong. I’ll know when the “right one” comes along. No, I won’t miss him in my pushing away men during my seasons like this. You know why? Because he won’t be an “almost”–he’ll be a “complete”. He’ll be a complete blessing to me during times like these and not a distraction from what God is trying to take me into. He won’t be perfect, but he’ll complete the qualifications I’ve been asking God for over the past years. He’ll be a man that fears God and refuses to let the enemy manipulate my emotions through him like he has so many times before.

I’m no gonna lie–I’m quite sick of the enemy using this area against me. Like fed up.

But I know that God knows that. He gets it and He’s got a plan. Eventually this whole scenario isn’t gonna work against me any more. Why? Because even if I don’t get married, I’m quite content to use each and every one of these seasons filled with temptation, games, distraction, and empty promises as an excuse to be with Jesus even more. I’ll walk all over these situations, the only soul they touch will be that of my shoe. And the enemy doesn’t like when I use his tactics for my own advantage.

Bring it on. It’s either time to wrap up this season’s fight or to anticipate the upcoming one. Either way, I’m ready for the next round. I could use another footstool from the enemy to more quickly reach what I’m chasing after, anyway.

Don’t Fear The Process

UGH. This is exhausting.

I just want to think about you right now. Not this whole crazy idea of marriage or possibilities or struggles or lies or trickery. My heart feels so unstable already. Part of me says I’m not ready for real life still.

…kinda like when you stopped using crutches, right? Your muscles had already been trained to lean into something else, and you felt like you couldn’t stand. Cass, you can stand. You have it in you. It’s just going to take time before you’re ready to handle a lot again. You aren’t there yet. You don’t have the strength, the stamina, the development, or the healing necessary for prolonged period of any of this. One day. And one day you’ll be incredible at helping others, helping them know their limits, helping them grow, and helping them help themselves.

Don’t take your eyes off this process. It will be so easy to, but you have to remember the risk you run when you stop caring. You run the risk of going backwards, of needing healing all over again because your process went uncared for. This season will mean a lot of “boundary finding”–a lot of testing and evaluating and honesty and humility and seeing limitations….don’t be afraid to fully live in this season. But you can’t live stretched out. Live right where you are, pushing as few boundaries as possible, becoming strong in what you do know. You’ll find your limitations soon enough.

Don’t resent this season. Don’t resent your limitations. Trust the limitations I see in you. Trust that I’m protecting you from what you don’t need.

You don’t need to be distracted. You don’t need extra things bringing in division. You need to keep your eyes fixed on me. You need your heart invested in me, focusing on what I’m doing, focused on my heart, consumed with my immediate plans for you.

I am what your heart is aching for, Cass. I am exactly that which will satisfy your thirst. Those pangs you feel are withdrawals of me. Please don’t think finding attention in a secret friendship slash budding romance will quiet that cry in your heart. It will feel like it for a minute, like an ibuprofen for a headache. But once your substitute runs out, the hurt returns.

I know you’re so used to using these kinds of meds for your heart–defaulting to what makes sense to you when things get hard–but I’m telling you: you weren’t created to be on supplements. You were made to be satisfied completely and consistently.
Let me continue to show you what that look like. Remove anything and everything that will block your view of my heart for you. Don’t hesitate to put something down if it means a chance to chase after me.

In wanting me, you will find your desire for any of these men (and the attention they give you) begin to dwindle. You’ll see it for what it is: a cheap substitute for my plentitude.

You are what I’m after. I have incredible things in store for you. Don’t get desperate while waiting for my promises.

How This New Year Earns Its Name

If journal entries could be rated for their intensity like earthquakes, I suppose this blog would register with an Exposure Level of 7.8 or so.

And it’s long and full of emotional-processing. (Just so you aren’t surprised along the way.)

Today1.2.14

Hey Jesus,

She and I talked for over 3 hours last night on New Year’s. Part of me had hoped it would unscramble my thoughts. Another part of me had just wanted to be able to talk to to her. When she came to mind, I put it off. When my phone beeped at 3am my time, I was awake. I instantly wondered to myself if it was her, even though she and I haven’t been in regular communication since July of ’13. Not too surprisingly, I was right; she simply texted to wish me a happy New Year, but again–I couldn’t help but take advantage of a chance to just talk to this no-longer-best-friend of mine. So I scrolled up and tapped “Call”.

Over the 10 years of our knowing each other, and especially over the last 6 where we’ve grown closer, our conversations have quite the unique touch to them: They have always been filled with a lot of honest venting, with genuine and uncanny understanding, with encouragement, with perspective, with Biblical wisdom, and with laughter. We don’t just communicate verbally, either. We usually hug often and play with each other’s hair or rubbing the other’s back to show reassurance, affirmation, and the comfort of just knowing that the other is there. But when You asked us to completely surrender this friendship until God knows when (literally), that all changed. So these recent conversations have looked a little bit different. In fact, a LOT different. Which, I suppose makes sense when all communication and contact has been ceased.

We talked the day I’d arrived back in town. That, too, was a 3-hour conversation just 2 weeks before that wasn’t easy, but I felt like my heart needed it. In a nutshell, I’d say that it boiled down to a simple “we really miss our friendship, we aren’t mad at each other, our friendship really IS over, we need to keep dealing with whatever things You brings up in regards to our friendship whether or not You breathe life back into our friendship, and prayer”, with a simple “okay bye” and a hug. And, of course a garnish of painfully real tears. We half-way chatted again via text the night I left after she’d dropped off some of my things, but it felt like nothing got resolved then. Just more scrambled. As if my heart was in a more raw state than it had started in. Which helped to justify my calling her last night.

This most recent conversation that started out the New Year would mark a 7th interaction in a 2-week period. Which is funny because we’ve only swapped words maybe 3 or 4 times since the cut-off in July. I actually felt like I was physically and emotionally overdosing.

Part of my heart hesitated at my own insistence in calling her. That hesitation ought to be my new red flag, regardless of how subtle the hesitation is, because it usually means that going though with whatever I have in mind will prove to make life a little messier on the other end. But I don’t listen. I’m working on actually listening to when You nudge me in the opposite direction than the one I’m going in.

After our New Year’s conversation, I feel asleep, but spent today back at square one: feeling the need to reach out to her again, and finding myself fighting a revived battle to not include her in my day-to-day life. A realization that I do need to let go. But clinging for one more little excuse to hold on just a little bit longer…

(*sigh*) I realize talking to her isn’t a sin. It isn’t a moral failing. But it weighs heavily on the delicate and exclusive relationship growth that You’ve established in me.

It occurred to me a little bit ago that she had become my Synantilambanomai. She wasn’t just my best friend. I saw her in Your place as my support, my helper, my rescue, and my hope. I’m so sorry for not believing my own words in speaking that only You could be those things.

(*sigh*)

So the SOP devotional yesterday and today REALLY made me stop and think. That’s what I really want to talk about. And I want them to set the tone for how this New Year is established: Differently. More free. More full of You. Just that it would be a brand NEW start where You are calling the shots.

(Here’s yesterday’s for those of you out there who would like to read it for yourself).

Through it, I felt like you repeated the same thing you spoke through one of my leaders prayed over me on New Year’s Eve. That You have already EQUIPPED me.

But another truth you spoke very sternly was that if I chose to be lazy and stubborn with that equipping, I will find myself even more broken and humbled and that I will not move forward one inch if I refuse to let go or hang on. Wow.

You mentioned (which I REALLY didn’t like hearing) that I’m holding onto things that are no longer relevant for my life now. I need to have initiative (by faith) as I’m challenged to progress. My growth depends on me in this season. My progress depends on my will in this season. WOW.

So that could totally go both ways: I hear it in the negative–an admonishing to not get lazy or I will see unhealthy and sparse fruit. But Abba–I also know that if I engage, I will see you blow my mind with what will come. Even in the midst of trial, I need to see the joy–purely–for what you’re up to.

Moving on is a choice. But if I say “yes”, there will be more than enough grace to keep me going. Everything I had gone though over the last year began to eat away at my faith and my hope.

This can be a time of restoration and rebuilding my faith and trust in You. Interesting. Though you said my faith and hope were attacked, You replenish faith and then rebuild hope with trust. WOW. Hope is created and reestablished through trust. Oooh, that’s good.

But this rebuilding and restoration all depends on where my focus is. Abba, free my eyes from fixing themselves on worthless things. Help me to hold to what is actually worth holding onto…

You’ve started a new cycle in me. A blank slate for my destiny. My heart and soul + being aligned in righteousness with your purposes = a destiny of close and intimate relationship with you.

…so maybe…

…Maybe my first 7 months here were for my rest and healing. Now, though, is the focused time for restoration and restored priorities (namely my intimacy with YOU). A time of removing and clearing out to preceded and make ROOM for that intimacy…

But it’s conditional, based on whether or not I keep my self undefiled. Do I choose to let my thoughts of “good” and “love” taint and defile what You’re trying to put in my hand? Not in the über-religious sense. In the practical, ‘don’t mess things up that you just cleaned up’ sense.

“Cleaned…”

When you’re cleaning something, it means to make ready. We wash dishes so that they’re ready for the next time we need them. The priests had to be cleaned before they could meet with You. Surgeons have to scrub up before performing a surgery. We wash our hands before a meal. We clean our houses when we have guests coming. We clean out the fridge when we bring home new groceries. We vacuum the floor before putting new furniture down (well, I suppose not everyone does that, but maybe you guys get the point anyway).

To clean is to make room. Getting ready. Physically and mentally and emotionally and spiritually.

Abba, wash off any residue from Oregon. Or from the long nights of conversing. Shift my heart. Wash me clean. Rinse me, scrub me, inspect me.

“Maintain divine order”. I’m not sure what you mean by that. Maybe to not step out of or try to rearrange how you’ve ordered things? But the next chunk makes all sorts of sense: Discernment (spiritually) will come when I stay in the flow of your Spirit. My discernment can grow IMMENSELY if I take the time to use it and to grow it.And when I seek your face, I’ll see growth and clarity over and over….

I LOVE that. I love that promise, God. I crave that ability to discern. Not just for the sake of others, but for my own spiritual growth. And growth + clarity becoming staples and consistent patterns? Yes, PLEASE!

Cass, you need to let go of your fear of growing beyond her. You are in different surroundings and you are different people with different growth rates. Let go and allow me to grow you at YOUR pace. Not unlike Helium and oxygen. Oak and bamboo. Similar, but very different.

But Abba….that scares me. It makes me feel like that little girl on I Am Sam that refuses to learn to read. I hate that that picture puts her as the one with some sort of hindering issue. But the reality of it stands: I don’t want to loose her or grow past her. Part of me wants to be WITH her more than to grow, especially if I can’t be a bystander for her and her growing… I don’t want to be beyond her at all. We would always do everything together…why can’t we grow and learn about this together?

It breaks my heart because I know that I need to grow and focus on my own ability, but that lucha in my heart is still there. Abba? help me to do the wise thing, even though it’s the harder thing. Help me to desire what you want, even though my heart is aching…faithfulness over compassion, fear of you over fear of rejection (in this case causing it)…

And this business of being rid of anything religiously stale or being caught in a trap of it.

Help me to have sober judgement of where I am at. To really reevaluate my heart and to be honest with myself.

“move in faith into internal communication in the spirit”–more hazy phrasing. Shelf it? God, I want to constantly maintain that conversation with you. To not miss out because of urgency or because of pressing matters.

Growth is a sign of life. Be vital and live in me. Let me revitalize you.

Oh Abba. LIFE. Replenished. Vida. Getting back to what I lost in the battle. Like drinking a Gatorade.

I receive all of your promises with a yes and an Amen! Pour them over me. I am as you say.