Weary

When I need a safe place, that’s always You, Abba. Let that never not be the case-keep proving Yourself to be exactly what I need. Thank You for first and foremost for creating a means of connection— everything good I know stems from there. Hear the deep, silent, trembling up my heart, Abba. Meet me in this valley. I need You to pull me up and out. Be my stability, my firm foundation, my walls of protection in place of ironclad armor or calluses.

Because I choose You and run to You, would You be my hand-holder, my guide, and my direction-chooser? I know the enemy is plotting and conniving – I feel his murderous threats on the back of my neck. But my safety is You. I belong with You – I’m committed to You and to do life with you—and I refuse to back out on a vow like that. Please make something beautiful out of this mess, You whose entire being resounds with deep, beautiful truth. 

I can’t stand to be around people who refuse to hold to You, choosing over and over to wrap their hands tightly around the fake, the altered, the shallow and the deceitful… The lack of life in that white-knuckle dedication makes me sick to my stomach. You are what-who– I choose to lean into and grab hold of.

I have walked through unbearable levels of wounding and soul-wrenching agony, nights restless, and tear-filled. But Your love has the capacity to meet me in places like this. It has before and it can do it again. That’s why I only want You in this place. Only You have proved to satisfy. Instead of letting my own sin or the enemy rub my face in the dirt over and over again, You give me a safe place to be made whole, a place where my dignity can begin to be reinstated, and my identity restored.

But here I am: broken again, hurting, overwhelmed. I am tired of crying. My mind, well, and emotions don’t feel like they can handle this grieving: the ache feels like it’s rotting my bones.

My past feels full of dark nights like this. I hate that so many of my playlist songs right now focus on the hurt I’m still wrestling with. I feel like the strong “me“, deep down can’t even work up the guts to show up now and again. Not like it used to.

Look at my life – the enemy has had so much reign, and seems to mock me for wanting to live any other way. People around me are not getting free. The last thing I want from coworkers is pity. I feel like shame oozes for my pores like bad b.o.. There are times I feel alone, wanting to be seen and fought for instead of like a burden with a never ending sob-story. The enemy definitely plan this, strategically setting me up to know hopelessness.

Regardless: I cling to You. The confession in my mind can barely make it out of my weary lips: I am still Yours. You give me breath, so please take away those trying to strangle and suffocate me. I am done running, Jesus. Let me see Your eyes, to see who I am there. I know there is enough love in You to hold me through this, and strengthen my grip to You with each baby step.

I don’t regret believing that You are You – You’ve heard my wailing and sobs before, and You can do it again. But the enemy: he doesn’t want You to be You – what a waste of Your handiwork, an angel living for himself. Anything the enemy continues to attempt against me and my family—SHUT HIM DOWN. 

Abba, You have promised that when we yield to You as King, there’s an unbelievable onslaught of good pointed like a laser at our foreheads. You show up and show out, regardless of the hell surrounding us, letting our lives scream Your faithfulness. You don’t let the enemy have the last word – You whip out that “trump card” at the last minute, taking back all he thought he had looted. You hold me close in spite of the war waged against me.

People: wake up and take a good long, look at the One who has showed up for me over and over again. His mind-blowing love will once again have the final word, no matter the crushing. Even when fear has caused me to doubt my God’s ability or willingness to show up, that never stopped Him from paying attention or responding. 

Y’all: He is worth surrendering to. When we cling to Him, He hold us tight, even in those moments where it doesn’t feel like it! But those who let pride reign, who don’t know who, or whose they are, will experience what the pursued: emptiness and self-focused dead ends. But those who choose God above those things: hang tight! He sees, He responds, and He’s worth waiting for.

(My current reality through a Psalm 31 Remix)