Weary

When I need a safe place, that’s always You, Abba. Let that never not be the case-keep proving Yourself to be exactly what I need. Thank You for first and foremost for creating a means of connection— everything good I know stems from there. Hear the deep, silent, trembling up my heart, Abba. Meet me in this valley. I need You to pull me up and out. Be my stability, my firm foundation, my walls of protection in place of ironclad armor or calluses.

Because I choose You and run to You, would You be my hand-holder, my guide, and my direction-chooser? I know the enemy is plotting and conniving – I feel his murderous threats on the back of my neck. But my safety is You. I belong with You – I’m committed to You and to do life with you—and I refuse to back out on a vow like that. Please make something beautiful out of this mess, You whose entire being resounds with deep, beautiful truth. 

I can’t stand to be around people who refuse to hold to You, choosing over and over to wrap their hands tightly around the fake, the altered, the shallow and the deceitful… The lack of life in that white-knuckle dedication makes me sick to my stomach. You are what-who– I choose to lean into and grab hold of.

I have walked through unbearable levels of wounding and soul-wrenching agony, nights restless, and tear-filled. But Your love has the capacity to meet me in places like this. It has before and it can do it again. That’s why I only want You in this place. Only You have proved to satisfy. Instead of letting my own sin or the enemy rub my face in the dirt over and over again, You give me a safe place to be made whole, a place where my dignity can begin to be reinstated, and my identity restored.

But here I am: broken again, hurting, overwhelmed. I am tired of crying. My mind, well, and emotions don’t feel like they can handle this grieving: the ache feels like it’s rotting my bones.

My past feels full of dark nights like this. I hate that so many of my playlist songs right now focus on the hurt I’m still wrestling with. I feel like the strong “me“, deep down can’t even work up the guts to show up now and again. Not like it used to.

Look at my life – the enemy has had so much reign, and seems to mock me for wanting to live any other way. People around me are not getting free. The last thing I want from coworkers is pity. I feel like shame oozes for my pores like bad b.o.. There are times I feel alone, wanting to be seen and fought for instead of like a burden with a never ending sob-story. The enemy definitely plan this, strategically setting me up to know hopelessness.

Regardless: I cling to You. The confession in my mind can barely make it out of my weary lips: I am still Yours. You give me breath, so please take away those trying to strangle and suffocate me. I am done running, Jesus. Let me see Your eyes, to see who I am there. I know there is enough love in You to hold me through this, and strengthen my grip to You with each baby step.

I don’t regret believing that You are You – You’ve heard my wailing and sobs before, and You can do it again. But the enemy: he doesn’t want You to be You – what a waste of Your handiwork, an angel living for himself. Anything the enemy continues to attempt against me and my family—SHUT HIM DOWN. 

Abba, You have promised that when we yield to You as King, there’s an unbelievable onslaught of good pointed like a laser at our foreheads. You show up and show out, regardless of the hell surrounding us, letting our lives scream Your faithfulness. You don’t let the enemy have the last word – You whip out that “trump card” at the last minute, taking back all he thought he had looted. You hold me close in spite of the war waged against me.

People: wake up and take a good long, look at the One who has showed up for me over and over again. His mind-blowing love will once again have the final word, no matter the crushing. Even when fear has caused me to doubt my God’s ability or willingness to show up, that never stopped Him from paying attention or responding. 

Y’all: He is worth surrendering to. When we cling to Him, He hold us tight, even in those moments where it doesn’t feel like it! But those who let pride reign, who don’t know who, or whose they are, will experience what the pursued: emptiness and self-focused dead ends. But those who choose God above those things: hang tight! He sees, He responds, and He’s worth waiting for.

(My current reality through a Psalm 31 Remix)

Protected: Processing A Wounded Heart 12.26.2020

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Our Loss and Our Gain

Many of you know that our family has been undergoing a long and exhausting fight for our daughter. She was taken from us in the summer of 2018 and we have spent month after month fighting for and crying out for justice and restoration. After nearly 2 years, on March 5th, we were sadly informed via email by US Dept of State for International Child Abductions that we have irreversibly lost that fight.

As I look back over everything that has happened with this, one thing I see over and over has been personalized lies that were woven into every hopeful appeal and let-down. Whether through spoken interactions or those silent nights of sobbing, the lies of the enemy seemed to have crept in and made themselves at home:

“Look how incapable you are of protecting your children”
“You don’t deserve to be parents”
“God won’t stand up and fight for you”
“You don’t even have a right to cry about this.”
“How stupid are you for believing you could win this?”
“Prepare for heartache to be your new normal.”

To be even more honest, it’s often been hard to sort these out from truth. Lies have a way of tearing you down until you are too blind to see the truth they were trying to block out. And even with the deepest of convictions, the darkest of circumstances seem to make you question why you even wanted to fight in the first place.

But if I’ve learned one thing in my pursuit of Jesus, it’s that you won’t find yourself repeatedly fighting the enemy unless the threat of your victory him is too big. So looking at our track record, apparently God is up to something really good. And really big.

To be honest, we don’t understand why this has all happened this way. We aren’t God and we might never fully understand, which sucks. But it’s not information or wishful thinking that have been holding us together; it’s the hard habit that gets forged of clinging white-knuckle to who God has proved himself to be, while asking Him to directly address the seemingly-hypocritical character areas of His that have surfaced, and then waiting to either see/hear an answer or be given the strength to trust that one will eventually come.

And in one particular way, God has clearly shown up and began addressing those doubts. Not with explanations of why, but through a rather surprising discovery. Through it, He has been and is confronting each of those pointed lies about who we are:

“I ask you to protect your children through standing and fighting for your children in prayer. That’s what you do.”
“I long for parents to pursue me. That’s you.”
“I fight for my children and set them up for great things. That’s you.”
“I long for my people to cry out in the face of injustice and fight for my truth in the dark places, letting their hearts hurt for the things that hurt my heart. That’s you.”
“I long for my people to walk by faith and believe that I AM. That’s you.”
“My children were made to know overly-obvious joy that only comes from a connection with me. That’s you.”

“What kind of “discovery”?” you ask?

During the exact week we learned that we had lost our daughter, we made the discovery that we are currently expecting another Alcantara child, due in early November.

No, this wasn’t part of our plan, but crazily enough it’s an answer to so many other prayers prayed. It doesn’t bring our daughter back to us or even replace her, but it does remind us that God is good, that He sees us, and can hold our aching hearts as we parent. And it’s incredible reminder that God takes ashes and gives us beautiful things in their place.

Thank you to those who both mourn and celebrate with us in this season. ❤️

You Won’t Hold Back

My church hosted the Priscilla Shirer “Going Beyond” Simulcast this year, and once again it did not disappoint! I always go ready to “make it through the day”, and end up turned inside-out with more truth than I expected and with more homework than I feel like I can do in my own strength (which, of course, is means I have to put those newly-learned truth into practice).

It seems like we are in the mist of several different processed now as a family, both bold and heart-wrenching in their own ways. My grandfather is unwillingly hitting a season in his life where he needs the help of other to get through the day but his pride and ignorance push away anyone and everyone that try and help. My father was diagnosed last week with leukemia (albeit a very treatable type) which is slowly exposing the instability and brokenness of his relationship with God and his family. And everything that is entailed in the war for my daughter legally, physically, emotionally and spiritually… sometimes it feels like my faith walk is slowing to a painful crawl. It’s hard to keep believing and holding fast in seasons like this!

During the simulcast, Anthony Evans sang a brand new song, and I ended up getting the Digital Pass just to be able to listen to it a couple more times. That day, in vulnerability and a willingness to hear, they lyrics shook how I looked at my situations, especially that of my daughter, and remembered that God is very aware of our circumstances. He isn’t blind or slow in moving. He isn’t deaf or cruel. He isn’t ignorant. He is God. And, like Ms. Earnestine said, “I know no other hope” like Him.

Lyrics: “You Won’t Hold Back”
Anthony Evans

You are not flesh and bones
You are not weak or slow
You’re everything everything brave and bold
And you’re fighting for us

You are not distant and cold
Your heart’s not angry or closed
And even in ways we don’t know
You’re fighting for us

You won’t hold back when it comes to your children
You fiercely defend us ’til we stand delivered
You’re fighting for us
Oh He’s fighting for us

You’ve never closed your eyes
You’ve never been surprised
Whatever war may rise
You’re fighting for us

You move with Holy rage
In all your miraculous ways
We simply stand here amazed
you’re fighting for us
‘Cause you’re fighting for us

You won’t hold back when it comes to your children
You fiercely defend us ’til we stand delivered
You’re fighting for us
Oh He’s fighting for us
You won’t back down facing armies of thousands
You speak one word
And they scatter around us
You’re fighting for us
Oh He’s fighting for us

How great the love, the furious love
Of the one true Father
How great the love, the conquering love
Of the one true Father

You won’t hold back when it comes to your children
You fiercely defend us ’til we stand delivered
You’re fighting for us
Oh He’s fighting for us
You won’t back down facing armies of thousands
You speak one word
And they scatter around us
You’re fighting for us
Oh He’s fighting for us

**This is not my song. It’s just one that’s changed my heart this week and I figured it needed sharing. **

But God

I am feeling challenged this morning to not lose hope!

When I lived in Illinois, I didn’t have a car. One day, I was borrowing my friend’s very nice car. In an unfortunate turn of events, her car was damaged by the neighbor’s carelessness, and it was blamed on me, with her insurance picking up the bill. I was furious! How dare someone get away with doing the wrong thing and then lying about it? I didn’t have money to cover the cost of repairing my friend’s car, and she ended up leaving the damage as-is (a BMW 🤦🏻‍♀️ ), while the neighbor smugly took their money from her insurance and didn’t even fix the damage they claimed I’d caused. I felt this ache of injustice and insatiable need to defend myself! But I felt powerless to do anything, and simply had to rely on God’s promise to take care of the situation. He says He is the one who hates injustice more than we do and brings the right kind of revenge at the right time. But! A few weeks later, I got a call from this friend who had just been in a car accident. She was just fine, but on her way home someone slid on the ice and rear-ended her in her car. She was angry that she’s now had 2 accidents in such a short time, but I was stuck on a single detail of this accident: The other car’s insurance would be paying to cover the cost of replacing the back end of her car (which included the scratches I didn’t have money to fix from before), as well as a send a settlement for the trouble.

And at work just now, I witnessed the incredible closure of a similar situation of injustice (except that this one went on for years!) that passed through those same phases of anger, disappointment, faith and letting go, and then God showing up above and beyond. Mind blowing!

Sometimes it’s hard to believe that God sees, that He is paying attention, and that He knows exactly what’s going on. There are days when it feels like chaos reigns, selfishness wins, and the person doing the right thing is the “biggest loser”. I know that in our current situation, one thing Mr. Caruso and I struggle with often is discouragement; hopelessness seems to sink in like a poison, clouding our thoughts and robbing us of our perspectives. If God cares, where is He? If God was really able to do something, why have things gotten so bad? If God saw what was going on, why is He taking so long to fix it?

But if God is the same God, regardless of whether it’s a situation of injustice with insurance or with a child, I believe that not only is He invested, aware and capable. I believe that He is plotting an overhaul greater than I can imagine. What if He plans on fixing the proverbial back-end and not just the scraped bumper? What if I’m waiting He was strengthening my faith to not only believe for the allegorical unpaid bills, but for the two raises and promotions that I had no idea were coming my way?

Today I once again choose hope. I won’t get stuck in a mentality of ‘poor me’ or of ‘if only’. I’ll stick with “just maybe…” instead. Not because I have no other options, but because I’ve seen God show up and show out and leave me speechless. I’m going to cling to him for another one of those testimonies. On the edge of my seat. A maybe I’ll start to get the popcorn ready, too.

1 Kings 18 for extra pondering, especially 29 and 38

Our Update for 2018: Forgiveness, Faith, and Flourishing

Many of asked why our daughter hasn’t come to church, or been to family functions, why she isn’t in 6th grade classes with her classmates, or why she isn’t shown in any more of our photos this year. These are all fair questions. And while the regular monthly newsletters stopped a while ago, this major change has been pretty noticeable in our lives. It naturally stirs up questions, and yet social media does not give an obvious place to to ask those questions. I hear you friends and family.

Here is my attempt to answer some of them in the most gracious and loving way possible.

This simple answer is that she is no longer living with us because of a sad and frustrating situation with her and her mother.  And, sadly, we don’t know when or if she will be able to come back.

Our daughter posted a YouTube Video a few weeks ago with her brief 11-year-old explanation as to what exactly is happening, and why there has been a change (if you would like to watch). https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5vgz_cLKKZ8&t=213s

A longer answer is that we have been through a very difficult 9-month situation with heavy emotional, international, and legal implications.

Our daughter has lived with us per a legal custody agreement reached by my husband and her biological mother back in 2016. They decided it was best for our daughter to immigrate to the United States with us as a family, and she enjoyed various visits to see her mom during that time which was wonderful….until it wasn’t.

Her mother struggled with the separation and changes to the point where our daughter became convinced that she needed to return to be with her. After a hasty and unannounced visit in March by her mother, we were left skeptical of her mother’s long-term plans for our daughter, and even questioned them. Lies were covered by more lies as the next planned vacation for her to visit her mom got closer, but we kept hoping we were wrong. We have never wanted to separate our daughter from her mother, but also know that if and when she returned to be with her in the future, she wouldn’t have the stability, protection, or education to flourish. Her mother’s current life circumstances and schedule do not have room for providing or caring for a young girl that’s going through so many changes, too.

The plan was for our daughter to spend seven weeks of summer vacation visiting friends and family with her mother and mother’s current boyfriend in the Dominican Republic and return with us after we came down for a family vacation in August. So we sent her off, trusting the plans and reassurance made by her mother that our daughter would returning after this brief vacation. But, our nightmare became reality when, after only two weeks, her biological mother messaged and informed us that she had no obligation to return our Daughter after her summer vacation, regardless of our preference or any implications. She also had our daughter convinced that everything was taken care of, with this young girl unaware of the dangerous situation that she was walking into. My husband and I questioned over and over if maybe we were jumping to conclusions or being too harsh? But after hours of prayer, consulting mentors, getting legal advice, and discussing, we agree that if she stays where she is, our daughter is on a downhill slope of destruction.

We have attempted dozens of times to try and work things out and come to an agreement that benefits our daughter most, but are met with lies, excuses, and offers of bribery each time. For weeks we have had no communication from our daughter or her mother after things started to not go as well as planned. It seems we are now being made into the villains for the destruction that is starting to unravel in their lives.

We are now navigating our way through the Oregon Court systems, Dominican Court Systems and Department of State for International Child Abductions. At this point, the possibility of her having lost her US Residency is a very real possibility, as well as her ability to apply for a US visa for years to come. On top of all this, is how her relationship with her father is being intentionally severed.

I have angry days. I have sobbing break-down days. And sometimes I have to remind myself that those are completely normal responses. You can’t lose a daughter, and watch her sort through lies and participate in the very things that could destroy her future without the stress tearing you up inside. But every day gets a little bit easier. This season hasn’t been without it’s life lessons for us.

One of the hardest hurdles for me to face in all of this is forgiveness. It’s hard to stare at the injustice, betrayal and powerlessness and choose not to let bitterness or anger put down roots. I know that they don’t actually cause good change or provoke remorse in those causing the hurt, but sometimes they feel like a much more reasonable response. But I can’t stay in that place for my or my other two boys’ sake. I run back over and over to what I do know: I know that my daughter loves her mother. I know that her mother isn’t doing any of this to intentionally sabotage her daughter. I know that God is good regardless and is not a fan of injustice Himself. The implications are and will still be there regardless for everyone, but to forgive (for me) means to let go each and every day of the desire to cause them to hurt, too. To pray for good things for her mother. To not stoop to hating back because love is harder but better.

And faith. Faith plays a key role in this situation, too, because there are so many moments where our family feel like there’s nothing more we can do; fighting for a child who doesn’t realize that they need saving is exhausting, and to fight through the justice system to save a child from an even more broken justice system is exhausting. The Oregon court systems want proof of an emotionally-haphazard lifestyle that doesn’t come with receipts. Puerto Rican courts feel that they don’t have to enforce Oregon laws. And the Dominican Republic chooses not to look for parental permission before letting a child travel internationally. BUT God. Just because we can’t see how this whole thing turns out doesn’t mean God doesn’t have a plan. There’s no way that I believe that God planned any of this, but I do believe that He works out everything for the good of those who fear him. We can’t see beyond the immediate, but He can.

And yet flourishing. This one’s almost the hardest. But to chose to keep moving forward, not merely in survival, but beyond to a point of  with our personal plans, to embrace times with family anyway, to appreciate times of laughter with our friends and family is a must. My husband and I always say that we never needed our daughter–she wasn’t a crutch for us to lean on or a battery to make us function. But we wanted her. We wanted what she adds to our family. We love the spunk and sass of who she is. We know she is brilliant and capable, brimming with potential and long to see her in a place where she can achieve it. In the meantime, we wait and pray, never losing sight that we can still flourish regardless.

This is our update and our process. Thank you for fighting with us for the best possible outcome for our little girl. ❤️

What If?

Today’s Longer Pondering:

Disappointment. It’s an ugly word. We don’t want to cause it in others. We don’t want others doing it to us. But it happens often. And when it does….the thoughts start.

But why do you and I spend so much time mulling on past disappointments? Why do we rewind and replay, asking “What if?” as if emotionally training ourselves to be better humans when the next situation like that comes up again?

I realized this week that I’ve never come across any verses wondering what life would have been like if Adam and Eve wouldn’t have screwed up. And yet God just seemed to whip out a brilliant, MIND-BLOWING repair job called ‘salvation’ that quite possibly left the original plan looking lackluster. What if God wanted to do the same with each of my failures and mistakes? Like instead of a failure meaning I missed a huge opportunity, God wants to take the remaining fragments and make them into something remarkably better?

We will probably never know what life could have been like if we had gotten that job, or not lost that person, or opened our mouth to say that one thing, or took the other option. But I do know that God isn’t cheap in His redemption style.

I am starting to think that while screwing up is awful, we weren’t designed to stay in that place for long. I think it is super important to take the time and figure out how and why we fall–we were designed to deal with it, make things right, and grow up and forward into whatever God is scheming. But to feel like our “glory days” were behind us to put God in a box that He doesn’t even fit in.

There is too much language in the Bible of God’s view of what’s “next”. “See I am doing a new thing, don’t you perceive it?” “…plans to give you a hope and a future…”. “No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no heart as known…”. Once our mistakes and surrender mingle with His grace and redemption, they set the stage for the unbelievable.

I really believe God is always planning on one-upping us with how He will fix things. Always working out things for our good, always setting us up to be dumbfounded by more of His love. Even our past can become an idol if we don’t grab hold of what God is up to now.

Since When

It’s been too long.

I don’t say that for you the reader, since I am pretty sure you don’t wake up in the morning, quickly checking your email wondering if I posted anything new. I say it more for myself, as this blog has been such a great place of refuge for the endless stream of thoughts going through this external processor’s mind. Things have been getting stagnant around here.

Kris Valloton said in a recent sermon that, as an external processor, HE doesn’t actually know what he’s thinking until it comes out of his mouth; and while that has an ironic touch of hilarity to it, I can’t think of a more appropriate way to describe my way of working through things. They need to come OUT so they can be thought out.

This time gap or lapse in not posting is not for lack of content, mind you. If you live near by or follow me on Facebook, you may have noticed that my life has seemed to triple in chaos over the last two years, along with the emotions that go along with these sorts of changes.

•I gave birth to our first really likeable son “J” in September of 2016.

•About 6 weeks later, my Husband AND my new daughter were approved for their visas and moved to the US in November of 2016. (Became a mom TWICE in less than two months)

•I have had to re-adjust to being a married woman again, and am realizing that there are days where I sort of suck at this.

•The healing process for my family seems to be slowly…going…forward? Ish? Does going in circles count?

•We had our adorable third child, “T” in February this year (that means there are FIVE of us!)

•We moved into an apartment for the year and are looking into house-buying. Oh man. WHY??

•I’m currently a work-at-home Mom. Because I love making myself crazy. (And because I love my kids and want to watch them grow up in a non-second-hand way.)

I don’t list them for a “reasons-to-prove-that-my-life-is-harder-than-yours” applause. Nay nay. I just figure you should know why the content looks a little different than before. I am still me, the one who loves to laugh and journal and meet new people and someone that comes alive with seeing people walk in their calling. I’m just warning you that the context has completely shifted.

A note to those of you whose life looks NOTHING like mine: Don’t write me off. I remember as a single lady (30 years worth), I would read blogs from moms or wives and would find myself skipping over things. Or worse—rolling my eyes.

I’ll write a separate post about this eventually, but here’s the thing: It is so easy to doubt the relevancy of someone’s life when it no longer looks so similar to yours. But I would encourage you to hang tight; if you think like that, but your life looks different than mine, we might not be so different after all.

Baby Belly Bump

I am currently 26 weeks pregnant with our first baby, which will make for a total of FOUR of us. The pregnancy is going very, very well! I was regularly seeing an OB/GYN in the DR, and had no major issues while there. Once I transitioned to the US, I was set up with health insurance, and was able to have my first State-side ultrasound on June 30^th.

Our daughter is very excited to meet her little brother, and Mr. Caruso leaves voice messages frequently for our son so that he gets used to hearing his voice. He should be making his appearance on or around October 19^th, and I’ve been stocking up baby supplies AND house supplies with the help of my Mom and sisters.

If you use Facebook, I regularly post pictures of this growing belly (link here). I am thoroughly enjoying pregnancy, and though difficult or uncomfortable days come, I am determined to cherish each one of them. I’m nervous, but also very very excited about this new life growing inside of me.

The pregnancy was actually a surprise to us (click here to read the blog and announcement), but we have no doubts in our minds that God has a unique and specific plan for this little boy. We are deciding on a name that is Hebrew for “founded by God”, and we not only love the legacy of the name in the Bible (2 Kings 22-23), but also feel that God has placed this child in our lives with a powerful purpose, not on “accident”. And we want to declare that God is his foundation in the midst of a rickety, troubled world around us. It also alludes to my maternal Grandfather’s name.

The Where, When, Why about our move and “What-About-YWAM?”

We are currently in two different places: I am in Oregon living with my parents and working full-time as a Bilingual Medical Receptionist in a city nearby. When we were preparing to be married, we had made the decision to eventually move to the US to strengthen our American family relationships, and felt God was speaking to us about a time of believing for us being trained and equipped to raise a godly family, as well as see restoration happen in the broken areas of our extended families. When we discovered we were pregnant, our timeline moved up a bit, and we began looking at moving to the US a little sooner (by the end of the year). However, my health began to become a concern of ours, and we made the very difficult decision for me to go ahead of him, even though the visa process wasn’t finished yet. I arrived 9 weeks ago, and while there are hard days to work through for both of us, I think we’re growing and maturing and learning to trust God much more than ever before.

How long will we be here?

Mr. Caruso and I both love and see value in living and doing ministry in the Dominican Republic. There are local couples ministries, Bible studies, and church plants that we were able to catch glimpses of before we left, but we felt that being here held something that we needed. God has spoken to us that we will be a family that brings restoration and hope so that other families won’t have to go through what we have experienced. We would love to dive back into missions, but feel that before that, we need to take some time to be founded, strengthened and trained as a couple, as well as as a growing family.

Logistically, we might be here for 2-5 years, both to solidify visas, as well as give our kids a good head-start. This will mean working full-time, regular church involvement, and plenty of hospitality nights at our house so you can do life alongside us as we see what God has in store. We are still prayerfully seeking a housing situation that will accommodate our (rather tight) budget, as well as be in close enough proximity to my Oregon family, but we will keep you posted as to any details on that. We hope to have things be a little more solidified right before the baby comes mid-October.

We are still currently considering jumping back into life as full-time missionaries. But as of right now, we will be taking on the faith-challenge that God has set before us here in the US.