Many of asked why our daughter hasn’t come to church, or been to family functions, why she isn’t in 6th grade classes with her classmates, or why she isn’t shown in any more of our photos this year. These are all fair questions. And while the regular monthly newsletters stopped a while ago, this major change has been pretty noticeable in our lives. It naturally stirs up questions, and yet social media does not give an obvious place to to ask those questions. I hear you friends and family.
Here is my attempt to answer some of them in the most gracious and loving way possible.
This simple answer is that she is no longer living with us because of a sad and frustrating situation with her and her mother. And, sadly, we don’t know when or if she will be able to come back.
Our daughter posted a YouTube Video a few weeks ago with her brief 11-year-old explanation as to what exactly is happening, and why there has been a change (if you would like to watch). https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5vgz_cLKKZ8&t=213s
A longer answer is that we have been through a very difficult 9-month situation with heavy emotional, international, and legal implications.
Our daughter has lived with us per a legal custody agreement reached by my husband and her biological mother back in 2016. They decided it was best for our daughter to immigrate to the United States with us as a family, and she enjoyed various visits to see her mom during that time which was wonderful….until it wasn’t.
Her mother struggled with the separation and changes to the point where our daughter became convinced that she needed to return to be with her. After a hasty and unannounced visit in March by her mother, we were left skeptical of her mother’s long-term plans for our daughter, and even questioned them. Lies were covered by more lies as the next planned vacation for her to visit her mom got closer, but we kept hoping we were wrong. We have never wanted to separate our daughter from her mother, but also know that if and when she returned to be with her in the future, she wouldn’t have the stability, protection, or education to flourish. Her mother’s current life circumstances and schedule do not have room for providing or caring for a young girl that’s going through so many changes, too.
The plan was for our daughter to spend seven weeks of summer vacation visiting friends and family with her mother and mother’s current boyfriend in the Dominican Republic and return with us after we came down for a family vacation in August. So we sent her off, trusting the plans and reassurance made by her mother that our daughter would returning after this brief vacation. But, our nightmare became reality when, after only two weeks, her biological mother messaged and informed us that she had no obligation to return our Daughter after her summer vacation, regardless of our preference or any implications. She also had our daughter convinced that everything was taken care of, with this young girl unaware of the dangerous situation that she was walking into. My husband and I questioned over and over if maybe we were jumping to conclusions or being too harsh? But after hours of prayer, consulting mentors, getting legal advice, and discussing, we agree that if she stays where she is, our daughter is on a downhill slope of destruction.
We have attempted dozens of times to try and work things out and come to an agreement that benefits our daughter most, but are met with lies, excuses, and offers of bribery each time. For weeks we have had no communication from our daughter or her mother after things started to not go as well as planned. It seems we are now being made into the villains for the destruction that is starting to unravel in their lives.
We are now navigating our way through the Oregon Court systems, Dominican Court Systems and Department of State for International Child Abductions. At this point, the possibility of her having lost her US Residency is a very real possibility, as well as her ability to apply for a US visa for years to come. On top of all this, is how her relationship with her father is being intentionally severed.
I have angry days. I have sobbing break-down days. And sometimes I have to remind myself that those are completely normal responses. You can’t lose a daughter, and watch her sort through lies and participate in the very things that could destroy her future without the stress tearing you up inside. But every day gets a little bit easier. This season hasn’t been without it’s life lessons for us.
One of the hardest hurdles for me to face in all of this is forgiveness. It’s hard to stare at the injustice, betrayal and powerlessness and choose not to let bitterness or anger put down roots. I know that they don’t actually cause good change or provoke remorse in those causing the hurt, but sometimes they feel like a much more reasonable response. But I can’t stay in that place for my or my other two boys’ sake. I run back over and over to what I do know: I know that my daughter loves her mother. I know that her mother isn’t doing any of this to intentionally sabotage her daughter. I know that God is good regardless and is not a fan of injustice Himself. The implications are and will still be there regardless for everyone, but to forgive (for me) means to let go each and every day of the desire to cause them to hurt, too. To pray for good things for her mother. To not stoop to hating back because love is harder but better.
And faith. Faith plays a key role in this situation, too, because there are so many moments where our family feel like there’s nothing more we can do; fighting for a child who doesn’t realize that they need saving is exhausting, and to fight through the justice system to save a child from an even more broken justice system is exhausting. The Oregon court systems want proof of an emotionally-haphazard lifestyle that doesn’t come with receipts. Puerto Rican courts feel that they don’t have to enforce Oregon laws. And the Dominican Republic chooses not to look for parental permission before letting a child travel internationally. BUT God. Just because we can’t see how this whole thing turns out doesn’t mean God doesn’t have a plan. There’s no way that I believe that God planned any of this, but I do believe that He works out everything for the good of those who fear him. We can’t see beyond the immediate, but He can.
And yet flourishing. This one’s almost the hardest. But to chose to keep moving forward, not merely in survival, but beyond to a point of with our personal plans, to embrace times with family anyway, to appreciate times of laughter with our friends and family is a must. My husband and I always say that we never needed our daughter–she wasn’t a crutch for us to lean on or a battery to make us function. But we wanted her. We wanted what she adds to our family. We love the spunk and sass of who she is. We know she is brilliant and capable, brimming with potential and long to see her in a place where she can achieve it. In the meantime, we wait and pray, never losing sight that we can still flourish regardless.
This is our update and our process. Thank you for fighting with us for the best possible outcome for our little girl. ❤️
MyExposedHeart 